Abbreves: When It's Gone Too Far

Look, I'll be the first one to admit that I love abbreviations. So much that I abbreviate "abbreviations" to "abbreves." Most people look at me like I have a dick growing out of my forehead when I say it. But that's their fault.

Certain abbreves are completely acceptable, and frankly awesome. Take Tecmo Super Bowl, the greatest video game ever (that's the one with a New York Giants player on the cover, for NES). That name is way too much to say. Instead, it's Super Tec. Simple. Obvious. Sexy.


Others are questionable, but not entirely annoying. When I was in junior high we'd play basketball and a friend of mine would make a shot then say, "Hey get my reeb." As in rebound. See that? Not great, kind of gay, but not completely annoying.

But there are rules to creating abbreves. You can only shorten the word by removing syllables from the end of the word. I thought that was obvious. There are two false abbreves that make me want to kick a cat (which I really wanted to do anyway).

The first is the abbreve of "parents" as "rents." Use "rents" in a sentence. 'I saw my rents today.' Wait, what got rinsed? Did you clean it first? What the hell are you talking about?

Then there is "za" for pizza. Look, I know two syllables is a lot to ask for these days. But does a five letter word really need to be shortened to two? Are you a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle?

At the bottom of the pile of useless human beings are the ones who legitimately use instant messaging syntax in normal conversations. "OMG" is gay enough; don't bring it from text to speech. Any time I hear "BFF" I assume it was spoken by a fourteen-year-old girl who has covered her bedroom walls with "Twilight" posters because "OMG, vampires are just so hot." When I turn around to see that it was spoken by a 30-year-old woman, I know God has forsaken us. LOL, LMAO, BTW, OISMLGSXIIUZNRIGKFLSDDFIJOVPVPV.

GFY.

(Go fuck yourself). That one's for me.

Batman vs Superman: Badass vs Gayass

Hmm, Macy's is having a sale. I guess Superman won't be fighting crime tonight...

This Friday, The Dark Knight opens in theatres across this land. I, for one, am very excited. Not excited enough to have purchased tickets two weeks ago, or buy my Joker face paint in order to complete my costume and "impress the ladies," but, you know, excited. I plan on going Sunday at the earliest, after the masses of fanboys and lunatics have retreated to the dank of their parents' basements and the soft glow of their computer screens.

This next chapter in the long-running Batman saga is the second film in the quote "realistic" unquote interpretation of the character. In other words, the world in which he lives and the circumstances of his heroic origins are potentially believable. This seems to be the theme lately with comic book movies, such as X-Men and Iron Man. With appropriate technological advances or tweaks of nature, these characters could possibly exist. Not likely, but almost.

Especially in the case of Batman. Above all other superheroes, dude could actually exist. Now, there's some theatrical and technological liberties that are taken, but at the crux of it, Batman is a well-trained guy who bags hoodlums. What's so far fetched about that? Answer: NOTHING.

Now look at Superman. Yeah, Batman's outfit is a bit strange. But unless you're talking about Adam West's costume, the other Batsuits are functional. They are armored, house electronics, etc. What's the purpose of a bright blue uniform and red underwear except, of course, to emphasize the package. Batman's cape aids in gliding. Superman's? Compliments his boots.

I'm super, thanks for asking!

Superman has incredible powers, conveniently explained by him being from another planet. Batman earned his abilities through years of training. Is a seven foot tall dude dunking a basketball as impressive as a six foot dude doing it? No, because the seven footer barely has to leave the ground, while the shorter dude actually has to have athletic ability to get there. So it is with Superman and Batman.

And then there's the gadgets. Batman has all the cool shit, a lot of which he invented himself. And everything he has starts with the prefix bat-. Batcave, Batsuit, Batmobile, Batwing, Batboat, etc. Superman has a phonebooth.

I'm telling you, green clashes with your eyes

Batman must hide his crime-fighting alterego from his normal life, that of billionaire playboy Bruce Wayne. Superman cowers under the birth control glasses of supernerd Clark Kent. Totally gay, dude. Cooler hangout: The Batcave, which chicks dig, or the Fortress of Solitude, in Antarctica, which chicks think is really cold. Obviously, the Batcave.

Face it: Batman has the cooler uniform, the cooler name, the cooler ride, the cooler crib, the cooler everything. And he's a dude with no superpowers. The dude's just smart. That makes it that much better that he's as badass as he is.

So I'm giddy to see The Dark Knight, especially because it has my favorite villain, The Joker. Jack Nicholson was fantastic as the Joker in the Michael Keaton 1989 version of Batman ("Where does he get those wonderful toys?"), and I think Heath Ledger can so an incredible job too. He looks and sounds great in the previews, and I'm sure the movies won't be a disappointment.

So remember: whenever you need Batman, shine the Batsymbol on the clouds. If you need Superman, play "It's Raining Men" really loudly.