McDonald's is Racist, and You Don't Care

As the mediocre comedians of our time remind us again and again, black people and white people are different.

I know. Wow.

As you're reading this, all the white people are saying, "Pardon me, what was that?" and the black people are saying, "Say whaaaaat?"

There's a huge difference between acknowledging those differences and discriminating based on those differences. The former is funny. The latter is racist. And sometimes funny.

Most people who aren't white and from Mississippi will say they don't like racism. So why don't you care that McDonald's is violently racist?




Differences between people doesn't have to be a bad thing. Sometimes all they are are differences. But McDonald's has been segregating their commercials for years. Maybe you don't notice because you only go to Wendy's, you racist bastard.





There are two types of McDonald's commercials. Let's compare two radio ads. The first is set to rap music, and some dude, obviously black, is rapping about the egg-based breakfast sandwich he's going to slam. It's upbeat, vibrant, and makes me want to crush some McDonald's. But of course, in this commercial it's "Mickey D's," because black people are so much cooler than everyone else.

Miggity-miggity-Mack Donald's

The second has no music, but features the voice talents of the whitest people on earth discussing the merits of McDonald's new oatmeal. "Gee, McDonald's (not Mickey D's, because white people are boring) has new oatmeal. Isn't that neat? Let's take our station wagon and get some!"

Let's do the whitest thing possible

These two commercials, both for McDonald's breakfast, tell us a few things:
1. McDonald's only wants to sell food to white people and black people.
2. McDonald's thinks white people are losers.
3. McDonald's thinks Latinos only eat tacos.

Number 3 makes McDonald's racist to a third ethnicity. Although, they once tried to bring in the Latino market with their fajitas of a few years ago. But Latinos realized they sucked as much as the rest of the restaurant's food and said no dice.





As for number 2, a little googology turned up some revealing information. Type "mcdonalds black" into Google and you get this. Wait, what the hell!?!? McDonald's has a whole website entirely devoted to African Americans! That alone deserves a separate post at a later time, when I can fully soak in how possibly offensive that is.

At least I think it's offensive. Maybe.

I'm confused. Is it racist to not pander to the majority? Is that reverse racism? Is it racist to cater only to one minority and ignore all others? Is it racist that McDonald's assumes black people want to eat McDonald's more than anyone else? Is it racist that McDonald's thinks white people suck? Is THAT reverse racism? Do Asians like Big Macs?

Who knows. I just know that I feel a little offended, and not because I may or may not be white. I'm not offended that McDonald's has a website specifically for black people. I feel that black people should be offended a fatbody-producing slop house like McDonald's tries so hard to appeal to them. I feel like that shows McDonald's has a lower opinion of black people. Maybe I feel that way because I hate McDonald's because it's evil and it makes people diabetic.

The "F" stands for "Foxy." Or "Fat." It's probably "Fat."

What's that, marketing major? You say this is just an example of target audience advertising? Then I guess that's why Wal-Mart advertizes so much to white trash hillbillies. But I think I'm getting off target. Back to the fact that McDonald's makes white people look like this -

and black people look like this -





while eating their food. But to be fair to McDonald's, it does treat all people the same in one regard. It makes all people look like this:

Lay off me, I'm starving

The National Zoo:

I haven't been to a zoo since I was eight or nine. But I went this weekend, and I was excited. The last time I went I saw a gorilla pee in a bowl, and then stick his face in it. Armed with a hope for further primate hijinks, I entered the National Zoo here in DC.

The first thing I noticed was that the zookeepers let the animals out of their pens. There were wild pigs, wildebeests, and water buffalo everywhere. They were pushing around their piglets in innumerable strollers, feeding at their troughs, and slapping on sunscreen by the gallon. I immediately vomited, and rightly so. Rarely outside of an amusement park have I seen a crowd of such nutritional and intellectual degenerates.

Which species eats more?

In between seeing a panda and some cheetahs I ruminated on the fact that walking through the zoo will surpass the amount of calories most of these people burn throughout the rest of the year. Let alone the only natural light these cretins will be exposed to.

I was desperately hoping someone would fall in the pit...

The best was when I was standing next to the sign that said "Wallaby." Clearly, the wallabies were not around, and the only animal there was an emu. A lady walks up with here family, says "Look (insert shitty 'it' name, like Taylor, Dakota, etc. that will get kid beat up in middle school) there's a wallaby!" Husband, by now beaten down and broken by years of trying to love a woman who can barely spell the word 'zoo,' emits audible sigh while groaning," That's not a wallaby." Wife counters, "But it says that's what it is right there."

Now, I'm certainly no Jack Hanna, but I know the difference between a wallaby and an emu. And even if I didn't, the placard which identifies the animal as a wallaby, which she referenced, has a picture of a wallaby. And they look NOTHING like a large flightless bird. But at least her son won't get beat up for being smart.

Unfortunately, I didn't get any pictures of primate hijinks. I did see one gorilla hump another as the female was lying on the ground. She eventually got up, and went into a private room as he followed her. I sympathized with them, because when I mate I really don't like twenty Chinese tourists staring at me either.

An orang utan picked up a big white sheet, wrapped himself in it, and paraded around his pen, finally proving that orang utans are racists, and from Mississippi.

I caught a video of two golden lion tamarins, small monkeys, smacking each other in the face. Which is, of course, hilarious.

I understand that people reproduce (although I don't like that fact), and I understand that people take their kids to the zoo. But holy shit, these parents pack baby supplies like their setting sail for the New World. And the strollers that house these logistics are the size of all-terrain vehicles, and probably cost more. Never had I hated people and their brats more than I did this weekend.

Especially when I heard one fourth grade dropout tell her kid, "Hey Skyler, look at this!" I immediately laughed, then wondered what this kid looked like. I imagined turning around and seeing Fuller from Home Alone, but it was actually a little girl. I give her ten years till she starts cutting herself.

But the zoo was a great time, despite the humans. I enjoyed seeing all the animals, but I was also saddened by it. First we kill them, then we destroy their homes, then we poison their food. We wonder why there's barely any left, so we grab the remaining ones, stick them in a cage, and parade people in front of them. Retards like the 18 year old (or so) girl I saw walk up to throw a plastic soda bottle away. There was a garbage can, and right next to it a recycling can, CLEARLY labeled "Glass and Plastic." She looks at both, then puts the plastic bottle in the garbage can. That's when I realized she worked at the zoo. If zoos are built to save the animals we destroy, who's saving the human garbage we keep around?

Love/Hate List

It's Friday, and that means more things I love and hate:

Love

-When guys get older and fatter, their ties get longer in order to end at the same place on the belly. See illustration.

In this example, y = the height of the tie, from neck to bottom. This is not a measure of distance. The length of the tie is measured by x. In a normal adult male, x/y = 1. In the fatbody pictured on the right, x/y = >1. This is because x has been increased in order for y to remain constant. x is elongated in order to compensate for the curve of the belly, which is quantifiable as the function -(x^2-x)=y.

-Lupe Fiasco's new album, especially single "Superstar"

-Black-eyed peas

-The upcoming live-action GIJoe movie

-Puppies

Hate

-My standing

-My Microsoft Paint skills (top of page, this article)

-The Jonas Brothers. Who the fuck are these hippies, and why are they in Thursday's USA Today and all over the radio?

-Accidentally erasing all the music on my iPod yesterday

-Foreigners