The Pubic Paradox

Ever since the first seeds of manhood were sown in the apparently fertile region between my belt buckle and my inseam, I've been confused. Initially it was because older dudes were constantly demanding that others kiss, lick or suck their "hairy nut sack," so naturally I assumed that pubic hair only grew on the scrotum itself. But then, when I was real little I thought my scrotum was my bladder, and when it hung low it was empty.

So my early-adolescent confusion arose over the location of the first sprouts. When they began to grow (erratically and unsymmetrical at first) above The General, I thought I must be messed up. Eventually, I learned I was normal.

It was during this time that pubes became a symbol of manhood, a fuzzy badge that proclaimed to everyone in gym class "Here I stand! A man!" I recall a guy a year older than me that had to have an operation on his testicles. As is standard for any such procedure, he had to shave his, ah, area. In a bid to preserve his dignity, he refused to shower in gym until genitalia sans pubis was resolved. At the time, everyone agreed it was the best course of action. God forbid someone would think you can't grow hair.

During the next few years, my main question was, "How do pubes know how long to grow?" Is there a specific length programmed into their DNA that keep them from growing out the bottom of your shorts? I remember when I was a kid watching this movie whose title I've long since forgotten. Some kid goes prematurely bald, whether from cancer or not I can't remember. He discovers this ancient (like all good '80's movies, probably Chinese) remedy for hair loss. It was a cream that made hair grow, and it kinda looked like peanut butter. So he decided to put some on his beanbag. Later on you see hair grow out the bottom of his pants. Thank God pubes don't actually do that, because if I had to braid mine I'd never get to work on time.

Kinda like that, but lower...

This predetermined length issue is related to my current pubic question. Even though they have a predetermined length, and it's not too long, it's still long enough to scare people and attract nesting rodents. So the natural answer is to cut it. Trim the hedges. A controlled burn. Besides, the shorter the shrubs, the taller the tree looks.

But again, is this a crime against manhood? Years went by before I got these, and now I'm going to schlack them off like encroaching weeds? However, the benefits greatly outweigh the detriments. Not wearing underwear while wearing jeans is dangerous during zip ups.

So the question became what's the fine line between the aesthetic/utilitarian and the ridicule of others. If they are to be cut, how short. Would I use scissors or clippers. Is shaving them with clippers too short, or is shaving with a razor too short. And if they're shaved, isn't that going to itch like a mother fucker??? Will I look like a porn star if I do it?

The overriding paradox here is this: most females prefer guys to have trimmed pubes. But some guys think guys that do that are gay. So to "be a man" one must do what women don't want, resulting in being an outcast to women, but not to men, who don't think you're gay. But now only men will hang out with you.

Okay, so it's not that earth-shattering.

The bottom line is each man must individually come to terms with his own floral arrangement. As for the final result of my years of pubic ponderings, you'll never know.







Kidding! There's seven galleries right here: http://www.pennypackerspubicpontifications.com/.



Check out the one I call "Viking Goddess."