New Research Suggests Dog and Penis Size Related

"Why does that dude have a rat on a leash? Oh, wait. That's his dog. What a douche."


New evidence recently released confirms that not only is the above statement scientific fact, it goes on to state that dudes who have dogs shorter than mid-calf have small penises.

"There is direct correlation between the size of the canine and the size of the owner's genitalia," explains Dr. Wesley O'Shannon, author of the study. "Our findings suggests that the lack of penile length prevents these men from owning a 'real' dog, one that is kick-ass and awesome. MRI's and CAT scans of these owners shows that due to extra blood in the brain, blood that would otherwise be used in a larger penis, these men cannot conprehend the fact that their dogs are retarded."

Dr. Shannon points to the follwing chart, which shows the direct connection between dog size and the owner's penis size:

We here at HMNIG have done our own fact checking on these new findings. After extensive thought and real-world research (0.2 seconds) we agree. Although, we do have some caveats to this theory. We find that there are some exceptions to this rule; as in guys that have excuses to own ridiculously small dogs. They may or may not fit into the above chart. The following may be excluded:

-Dudes who took in stray dogs out of pity

-Gay dudes

-Dudes who have girlfriends/wives that forced them to buy a rat for a pet

-Dudes who have a dog that gave birth to a runt, and they were forced to keep said runt

The follwing are those that are not excluded from the theory, and quite obviously are accurately plotted on the above chart:

-Doug Ackley

The bottom line is this: If your dog can't eat another dog, then you probably shouldn't have it.

Why You Suck

Today, you suck because you wear these:

Seriously. Are you going seal hunting any time soon? Is that long-planned Arctic expedition finally here? Is this the year you finally win the Iditarod?

No. You own these because "all the girls wear them." Fact: they don't. However, those with low self-esteem and the inability to choose their own footwear do.

Ah, yes. Nothing like Arctic boots and a mini skirt. Speaking of low self-esteem, this is the tragi-comedy of Jamie Lynn Spears in action

After doing some research, I found that Ugg is actually a brand name for a line of footwear, including those vomit-inducing fleece boots. After doing absolutely no research, I determined that Ugg has become a household name, like Kleenex and BubbaGump Shrimp. Why this horseshit remains popular requires more research than the NSF is capable of funding.

As if the boots themselves weren't bad enough (and they were soooo five years ago) some girls tuck their pants into them. I guess they do it because the celebrities are doing it (not a good reason), but they just end up looking like trailer-park hookers. Only without the acid-washed denim.

This picture's fantastic. These three cosmo girls are not only stepping together like they're in a Soviet parade, apparently two of them think they're somewhere above the 10th Parallel. The other one realizes they're actually in Southern California, although that girl is wearing a hooded sweatshirt with the hood up. Now, I could continue to bash the chosen styles of these three teenyboppers, but I'd probably end up sounding much gayer than I intended to when I started this piece.

Overall, I give Uggs two snaps and a NO WAY!!!