Why You Suck

Today, you suck because you wear these:

Seriously. Are you going seal hunting any time soon? Is that long-planned Arctic expedition finally here? Is this the year you finally win the Iditarod?

No. You own these because "all the girls wear them." Fact: they don't. However, those with low self-esteem and the inability to choose their own footwear do.

Ah, yes. Nothing like Arctic boots and a mini skirt. Speaking of low self-esteem, this is the tragi-comedy of Jamie Lynn Spears in action

After doing some research, I found that Ugg is actually a brand name for a line of footwear, including those vomit-inducing fleece boots. After doing absolutely no research, I determined that Ugg has become a household name, like Kleenex and BubbaGump Shrimp. Why this horseshit remains popular requires more research than the NSF is capable of funding.

As if the boots themselves weren't bad enough (and they were soooo five years ago) some girls tuck their pants into them. I guess they do it because the celebrities are doing it (not a good reason), but they just end up looking like trailer-park hookers. Only without the acid-washed denim.

This picture's fantastic. These three cosmo girls are not only stepping together like they're in a Soviet parade, apparently two of them think they're somewhere above the 10th Parallel. The other one realizes they're actually in Southern California, although that girl is wearing a hooded sweatshirt with the hood up. Now, I could continue to bash the chosen styles of these three teenyboppers, but I'd probably end up sounding much gayer than I intended to when I started this piece.

Overall, I give Uggs two snaps and a NO WAY!!!

The Friday Love/Hate List

Due to my recent (and until Shamrock Fest, successful) stint in rehab, I wasn't able to create my weekly posts. Well, today begins the Friday Love/Hate list. It's self-explanatory, but you might be a retard. Regardless, I'm not going to explain it.

Love

-St. Patrick's Day. Really, no elaboration needed.

-Along those lines, Shamrock Fest. Smelled pot for the first time since college. Yeah, I'm a square.

-Putting money on NCAA Tourney. Makes me give a fuck about Drake.

-Call of Duty 4, XBox 360. Modern weapons, modern tactics, modern war. Modern geek.

-The Wire on DVD. Never watched when it was on HBO. So bitchin' when you can watch one episode and immediately watch the next. Question of the day: what dude is Omar gonna bang this season?


Hate

-The Day After St. Patrick's Day. Notice no new posts from Tuesday.

-Losing money on NCAA Tourney.

-Getting stage fright when I really do have to piss. Why is it that when dude goes to piss next to me, suddenly my pee pee muscles seize up like C3PO on Tattoine. Investigation to follow.

-Celebrity ANYTHING (see below)

-Buying "Medel of Honor: Airborne" for 50% off at Best Buy, and not being able to play it because "Seriously? You can't think of ANYTHING better to do than sit around and play video games like you're 12?" Honestly, girlfriends just don't understand the finer points of conducting airborne operations deep behind German and Italian lines in order to destroy anti-aircraft or artillery installations which will allow the attack or movement of follow-on forces for the continuation of the invasion of mainland Europe. Maybe you'd like to be speaking German, but me, I got a war to win.

Smarch Madness

Lousy Smarch weather. However, this weather brings us once again to the only thing March is good for: March Madness.

Finally, all your college basketball watching has paid off. It's been a long winter. You know what teams are good. You know what teams are bad. You know the hot conferences. You know the conference powerhouses. You're up on key injuries, key hot streaks, key rape trials. You don't only know the starting five; you know the whole bench. You know the assistant coaches. You know their wives and kids. You know where each game will be played, the exact mileage from the arena to each school; not only for the first round games, but for all potential games (you've run the scenarios) throughout every round until the last game. That tells you potential "home team" advantages. You know what teams do better at what times during the year. You know the strength of every schedule. You watch Selection Sunday with a hard on, making phone calls and telling all your friends who to pick. You fill out your bracket with the precision of a diamond cutter. You look at other people's brackets and scoff. Your picks are better. You put money down. No, not just in one pool. There's the office pool, the friends' pool, the bookie pool, the Vegas pool, the online pool. The money flows, but who cares. You know what you're doing. ESPN agrees with you. Sports Illustrated agrees with you. Hell, you should work for THEM. Your brackets are set. The money is on the line. You've done all the research. You know every team. You know every player. You know every game. You know all the odds. You know your picks are perfect...

You knew that girl would win again. You knew she'd make her picks based on how cute the mascots are. And she won again.

Don't worry, Jonny B-ball. Next year, you'll do more research.