Open Letter Wednesday

Rashida Jones
c/o Brillstein-Gray Entertainment
9150 Wilshire Blvd.
Beverly Hills, CA 90212

Dear Rashida,

What up girl? How you livin? I've been seeing you a lot lately, TV, big screen, all that. Them sexy, bottomless-coffee eyes looking back at me saying “I know you dig what you see.” I do, I dig massive. And that’s why we should be together, ya heard? You get me.

I’m no fool so I realize one paragraph isn’t going to cut it; you need supporting evidence. Check this baby, we've got commonalities for days. Your father is an influential musical icon. My father is a deejay for a small-town radio station, and he loves your dad. We both are of Irish ancestry. You went to Harvard and had a supporting role in Boston Public. I live near Harvard and am supported by Boston public transportation. One of my favorite Gap commercials (Everyone in Vests) features you singing and you lend your vocal talents to the first Maroon 5 album. I sing over that shit all the time. It’s eerie, right?

Back in the day, Tupac blasted interracial marriage, specifically between your parents. Your response? An open letter defending the marriage and taking Pac to task, which eventually led to his relationship and engagement to your sister. I’m a wealth of open letters. George Lucas, Big Chicken, Sean Penn, shit, even Mother Nature and chick is an omnipresent entity. Could we be more in tune?

What about your dating history? Tobey McGuire, Seth Myers, John Krasinski. Notice a theme? Talented, funny, dopey dudes. While my talent and hilarity are only appreciated, if not always acknowledged, by the tens (generous estimate) of people that tune into Gorgeous, my dopiness is readily conceded by everyone that knows me.

Peep that, a cornucopia of reasons for you to slide my way. What say we create an unbreakable bond based on mutual admiration of (y)our considerable talents and light a love-fire that burns hotter than 1,000 suns for all eternity? I’m cool with making a stable of vanilla-kissed super babies too. Whatever greases your wheels, darlin.

Tickled and pining,
-Brunswick P. Danforth

Yep, More Bacon

Because we promised you 101 ways...

51. Bacon grease created Tecmo Super Bowl and Mario Kart
52. Bacon grease was John McCain's third-grade teacher
53. Bacon grease allowed Louis Pasteur to take credit for pasteurization
54. Bacon grease wrote and directed Manos: Hands of Fate
55. Bacon grease stormed Omaha Beach
56. Bacon grease was a founding member of the Freemasons
57. Bacon grease set up Marion Barry
58. The Manhattan Project was originally called Operation Bacon Grease
59. Bacon grease is the motivation for EVERY character Christopher Walken has portrayed
60. Bacon grease is a 21st-level divine cleric in D&D
61. Bacon grease leaked its own sex tape
62. Bacon grease is the basis of Darwinian theory
63. Bacon grease coached the 1972 Dolphins to a perfect season
64. Bacon grease was Deep Throat
65. Bacon grease was an original cast member on SNL
66. Bacon grease hits a 1-iron with ease
67. George Eliot was a pen name of Bacon Grease
68. Bacon grease is in Batman's utility belt
69. Bacon grease was on O.J.'s defense team
70. Bacon grease crafted the Ark of the Covenant
71. Bacon grease is E and MC squared
72. Bacon grease led the fight for women's suffrage
73. Bacon grease created Wikipedia
74. Bacon grease participated in the first Olympiad
75. Bacon grease founded Milwaukee

101 Ways Bacon Grease Changed the World

The first 25, in no particular order of importance or significance:


1. Bacon grease assassinated Archduke Franz Ferdinand.
2. Bacon grease developed the cure for the bubonic plague.
3. Bacon grease also accidentally helped spread the bubonic plague to England through its various sexual encounters.
4. Bacon grease is the reason Pilates caught on.
5. Bacon grease developed the first artificial heart.
6. Bacon grease is an aphrodisiac for Mexican Spotted Tree Frogs. And fat people.
7. Bacon grease is the reason you lost your virginity.
8. Bacon grease started London’s Great Fire of 1666 when it dropped its cigar. On itself.
9. Bacon grease is the reason beer has bubbles.
10. Bacon grease talked God into giving women breasts. You’re welcome.
11. Bacon grease was the first to practice the Rhythm Method.
12. Bacon grease told your brother you made out with his girlfriend.
13. Bacon grease invented the sport’s bra.
14. Bacon grease built the first casino in Vegas.
15. Bacon grease founded the Guinness Brewery at St. James Gate, Dublin. And immediately got pissed.
16. Bacon grease invented the iambic pentameter.
17. Bacon grease plotted to murder Julius Cesar.
18. Bacon grease deciphered the Rosetta Stone.
19. Bacon grease inappropriately touched your grandma. But that was back when she was hot.
20. Bacon grease wrote the script for Ernest Goes to Camp.
21. Bacon grease wrote A Portrait of the Artist as a Young Man.
22. Bacon grease inspired the character of Hobbes in Calvin and Hobbes.
23. Bacon Grease is what Danny Zuko and the T-Birds’ car was originally called.
24. Bacon grease is the cause of—and the cure for—kidney stones.
25. Bacon grease coined the phrase, “That’s wack.”