Where Yous Been At???

It's been a long time, kids! Where yas been? Dere's been so much goin' on. Good and bad, yaknowhaddamean. First of all, da Phil's!! How 'bout it? All dem years since da Phillies did anything. Actually, all dem years since ANY Philly team has done a fuckin' ting. It's about damn time, dat's all I can say! Whaddaya say dere, Vinny?

Vinny: It's about damn time.

Birdman: Fuckin' A, pal. I tell you kids what, after da Phils won, I got fuckin' smashed. Well, I was already fuckin' smashed. Whaddaya say dere, Vinny?

Vinny: Fuckin' smashed.

Birdman: Fuckin' right. Well, after dey officially won, I celebrated by kickin' the shit outta some mick fucks, rolled a car, and lit a bag a shit on fire. Whaddaya say dere, Vin?

Vinny: Wasn't it on your own porch?

Birdman: Shuddafuckup, Vinny! YOU DON'T KNOW ANYTHING!!!

Vinny: I don't know anything.

Birdman: Fuckin' A. So dat's dat, now let's move on. Once again, my beloved Birds fucked up and didn't make it to da Sooper Bowl. You know who I blame? Brian Dawkins. Dat's right. He knew he was gon' be traded, so he let da team down. Him and McNabb. And Westbrook. And Andy Reed. In fact, da whole team's a bunch a fucks. Dey can't win da Sooper Bowl? Fire dem all and fuckin' kill dere families. Dere's better players out dere who'd love ta play for da classy fans of Philly. I'm tellin' ya. Whaddaya say, Vinny?

Vinny: Classy fans.

Birdman: Fuckin' A we're classy. The classiest fans in the wor...

(yells at TV)

Rip dat faggot's face off and shit in his throat! Fuckin' Penguins can lick da diarrhea from my ball sac!

Vinny: Classy fans.

Birdman: Shuddafuckup Vinny. It's almost Stanly Cup Season, and our beloved Flyers are lookin' to bring anudder championship to Philly. I tink Philly is gonna be like dem pricks in Boston, wit more den one team winning championships. Da Flyers are gon beat da piss outta everyone else, you just wait an see.

Vinny: Beat da piss outta everyone.

Birdman: No one asked you, Vinny.

Bartender: Yous guys wan anudder round?

Birdman: Da fuck you tink, Dom? Of COURSE we do. I only had twelve. I need at least 15 before I can go home and show da wife who's boss. So anyways, da Phils kick ass, da Eggles suck as usual, and da Flyers are gonna kill some mudderfuckers in da playoffs. And by da way, da defending World Series Champs just started anudder season, where we go back ta back. Until September, it's a good time to be a Philly Fan.

Vinny: A good time.

Birdman: Shuddafuckup, Vin.

Birdman Checks in Wit Ya's Again

How ya doin', kids. Dis here's Birdman again. Boy, it's been tough lately for us sooper Philly Phans. Wat wit' da Flyers losin' an' all. Dose fuckin' Pittsburgh hicks. Dey don't know wat real hockey is, do dey! Fuckin' Sooper Mario my ass. My hairy Italian ass!

Wat? Sit da fuck down, Louise! I told you, I'm talkin' here!

Fuckin' woman don't listen, ya know? Hey! How do you tell a woman wit a black eye to shaddap? What, you already told her once! HA!!!

Anyways, it's a fuckin' shame about da Flyers, ya knowhaddamean? I mean, we beat dose fuckin' Caps (who never should have made it to Game Fuckin' 7), den we beat da fuckin' Canadiens, and den...fuck. It's always somethin' wit Philly, ya knowhaddamean?

I mean, shit, when's da last time Philly won anyting? I tink I was just a little bastard runnin' around beatin' up terd graders cause I tawt I had a big set of googats.

Wat do you want, Joey? No, I ain't got time ta take you to da library for dat school shit. Can't you see I got important stuff here? Now run go get your old man anudder can of Bud, will ya's?

Jesus. Fuckin' kids don't know what's right dese days, wat makes sense. (chuckles) It ain't school, I can tell you dat! I never finished seventh grade, an' I'm doin' pretty fuckin' good! I mean, I got my season tickets to da Iggles, don't I? How's dat! Stick dat high school diplorma up your ass, pussies!

Alright. It's gon' be a long summer, kids. We gotta long way until da Iggles play, an' we gotta put up wit' anudder Phillies collapse. But hang in dere. Training camp starts soon, and dat's when the dream starts again. Dis is Birdman, signin' off.

Birdman Checks in Wit Ya's

Birdman here, checkin' in wit ya's. Welp, we're in da depths of another offseason. I'm home more and my wife gets beat less. She says she breaks even, whatever da hell that means.

It's lookin' good for Da Iggles dis year. Like ya didn't fuckin' know, we picked up Asante Samuels. Good get, Birds. Up'pere wit Lito and Brian? SHUT DOWN. Now if we can draft a good reciever, it looks like another NFC Championship year. Of course, we're gonna do it without recievers, anyways. Cause were Da Birds.

I got dat goin' for me, dat and my season tickets should be coming in da mail soon. I had to take out a second mortgage on da house, but if da Birdman ain't at da games, what da hell are da Iggles gon' do? Dey NEED me! If only my wife appreciated me as much as da udder Iggles fans. Speakin' of which, where is dat bitch? Da kids need picked up from school and Birdman needs dinner, and he ain't about ta put pants on ta do eeder a doze.

Dis is Birdman, signing off. GO BIRDS!!!

Da Iggles, What Da Fuck Else!?

Sos me an' Vinny here was talkin' last Toosday 'bout WHAT ELSE!?!? THA Iggles. He was sayin' dat dere ain't no way Andy's gon' trade dat bum McNabb. What da hell is Andy thinkin'? Dat fuckin' bum can't even win us a fuckin' Sooper Bowl, and he's gon' START him next year? Vinny says his buddy Paulie up in Allentown heard his bookie say dat if McSlabb stays next year, he'll definately start. Fuck dat.

All I know is, dat no matter what, me an' my boys will be at all da Iggles games next year, and every year TIL WE FUCKIN' DIE! 'Cause we're true fans of the GREATEST TEAM ON EARTH! So what dat da fuckin' Giants won a third Sooper Bowl, and we're da only team in the East wit' no Sooper Bowls. Do the math and get educated! Philly's been the better team year after year, and besides, we got da best FUCKIN' FANS ON THE PLANET!

See dat? Ma looks good in her Nest of Death gear. She's a classy broad, dat one. She's already got her batteries ready ta trow at all those pussy Giants fans. Da season can't come soon enough. Just like Vinny! Ya get it? Huh? Well, fuck you. But GO IGGLES!!!