Video Game Predicts Future

The trouble between Russia and Georgia is disturbing, but not as disturbing as a video game predicting it back in 2001.

Tom Clancy’s Ghost Recon, for Xbox and Playstation 2, depicts Georgian revolutionaries struggling against the Georgian government in South Ossetia. The game continues with a full-scale invasion by Russian forces, and the fall of the Georgian government.

“If Ghost Recon's uncanny trend continues, we can expect the South Ossetia conflict to culminate in a dramatic assault on Red Square and the Kremlin by NATO troops -- spearheaded by an elite US special forces team under the control of a pimply fourteen-year-old with a joypad. Considering that the most recent game in the Ghost Recon series climaxes with an oh-so-narrowly-averted terrorist nuclear strike on the US, we hope the predictive power of the game runs out. Soon.”

So we here at Gorgeous thought about what other video games might have predictive powers:

--In 2011, a greasy Italian immigrant will stumble upon another dimension while removing a pubic hair clog from the drain of a 52-year-old Brooklyn woman with diabetes. Go kart racing ensues.

--Due to energy shortages and an increasingly dismal economy, people have taken to underground fighting as a way to make ends meet. In July 2013, these underground fights begin to be loosely organized by a Thai crime syndicate leader, M. Bison. Due local police decide to pursue higher priority crimes, allowing these fights to occur on the street. Also, magic is invented in 2012.

--In the year 2027, a brilliant but deviously mad robotics scientist names Dr. Albert Wily creates a series of androids, each with a different and special gift for destruction. Dr. Wily is bent on overthrowing various world governments, and must be stopped at all cost. A joint US-Japanese coalition, headed by Dr. Thomas Light, develops a counter-terrorism android, capable of adapting it’s arsenal as it defeats his terrorist counterparts.

--Due to the polluting of the environment by discarded medications, hormones, and steroids, the world has seen a development of super-intelligent and abnormally large animals. One such animal, a rare blue hedgehog, travels the world to collect coins.

--The year is 2633 A.D., and an alien army by the name of Red Falcon plans to invade Earth. Our only hope: two ripped dudes with no shirts and really big guns. We send Bill Rizer and Lance Bean to the enemy’s island headquarters to kick some ass. Headbands optional, but preferred.

--The NFL decides 28 teams was enough, and so dissolves the Panthers, Jaguars, Titans, Texans, and Ravens for its 2015 season. The league also reinstates the Houston Oilers. To create more intense games and bigger blitzes, teams can only use four run plays and four pass plays. Touchdown celebrations are cracked down on, with the only legal ones being a) if scored on a run play, the ball carrier may jump into the arms of another player, b) if the ball is caught for a touchdown, the receiver may spike the ball while running, and hold a “number one” finger in the air, and c) if the ball is thrown, the quarterback may raise both arms in the air, and do a turn-around fist slam. Also, Barry Sanders is cloned.

Yep, More Bacon

Because we promised you 101 ways...

51. Bacon grease created Tecmo Super Bowl and Mario Kart
52. Bacon grease was John McCain's third-grade teacher
53. Bacon grease allowed Louis Pasteur to take credit for pasteurization
54. Bacon grease wrote and directed Manos: Hands of Fate
55. Bacon grease stormed Omaha Beach
56. Bacon grease was a founding member of the Freemasons
57. Bacon grease set up Marion Barry
58. The Manhattan Project was originally called Operation Bacon Grease
59. Bacon grease is the motivation for EVERY character Christopher Walken has portrayed
60. Bacon grease is a 21st-level divine cleric in D&D
61. Bacon grease leaked its own sex tape
62. Bacon grease is the basis of Darwinian theory
63. Bacon grease coached the 1972 Dolphins to a perfect season
64. Bacon grease was Deep Throat
65. Bacon grease was an original cast member on SNL
66. Bacon grease hits a 1-iron with ease
67. George Eliot was a pen name of Bacon Grease
68. Bacon grease is in Batman's utility belt
69. Bacon grease was on O.J.'s defense team
70. Bacon grease crafted the Ark of the Covenant
71. Bacon grease is E and MC squared
72. Bacon grease led the fight for women's suffrage
73. Bacon grease created Wikipedia
74. Bacon grease participated in the first Olympiad
75. Bacon grease founded Milwaukee

101 Ways Bacon Grease Changed the World (cont'd)

Another helping, because one can never have enough bacon-related fun.

26. Bacon grease is the solution to the energy crisis
27. Bacon grease, not the fall of the Berlin Wall, reunited East and West Germany
28. Bacon grease discovered the Double Helix
29. Chuck Norris shaves with bacon grease
30. Bacon grease is responsible for Stonehenge
31. Bacon grease banged your mom, and thus, is your father
32. Bacon grease was the lubricant Arthur used to pull Excalibur from the stone
33. Bacon grease brought America out of the Great Depression
34. Bacon grease was the preferred condiment of President Taft
35. Bacon grease started the Crusades
36. Bacon grease escaped the Spanish Inquisition
37. Bacon grease caused the separation of Pangaea
38. The ancient Greek translation of bacon grease means "sweat of the Gods"
39. Bacon grease proved Copernicus wrong long before Galileo
40. Bacon grease, not malaria or typhoid fever, killed Alexander
41. Bacon grease invented the forward pass
42. Bacon grease fueled the Wright brothers' first flight
43. Bacon grease sent Howard Hughes into isolation
44. Bacon grease was Coppola's first choice to play Michael Corleone
45. Bacon grease led the Israelites out of the desert
46. Bacon grease designed Lord Stanley's Cup
47. Bacon grease greeted Columbus at San Salvador with a kick to the berries
48. Bacon grease was the first to turn coca leaves into booger sugar
49. Bacon grease inspires Barack Obama
50. Bacon grease caused the New York blackout in 1977

101 Ways Bacon Grease Changed the World

The first 25, in no particular order of importance or significance:


1. Bacon grease assassinated Archduke Franz Ferdinand.
2. Bacon grease developed the cure for the bubonic plague.
3. Bacon grease also accidentally helped spread the bubonic plague to England through its various sexual encounters.
4. Bacon grease is the reason Pilates caught on.
5. Bacon grease developed the first artificial heart.
6. Bacon grease is an aphrodisiac for Mexican Spotted Tree Frogs. And fat people.
7. Bacon grease is the reason you lost your virginity.
8. Bacon grease started London’s Great Fire of 1666 when it dropped its cigar. On itself.
9. Bacon grease is the reason beer has bubbles.
10. Bacon grease talked God into giving women breasts. You’re welcome.
11. Bacon grease was the first to practice the Rhythm Method.
12. Bacon grease told your brother you made out with his girlfriend.
13. Bacon grease invented the sport’s bra.
14. Bacon grease built the first casino in Vegas.
15. Bacon grease founded the Guinness Brewery at St. James Gate, Dublin. And immediately got pissed.
16. Bacon grease invented the iambic pentameter.
17. Bacon grease plotted to murder Julius Cesar.
18. Bacon grease deciphered the Rosetta Stone.
19. Bacon grease inappropriately touched your grandma. But that was back when she was hot.
20. Bacon grease wrote the script for Ernest Goes to Camp.
21. Bacon grease wrote A Portrait of the Artist as a Young Man.
22. Bacon grease inspired the character of Hobbes in Calvin and Hobbes.
23. Bacon Grease is what Danny Zuko and the T-Birds’ car was originally called.
24. Bacon grease is the cause of—and the cure for—kidney stones.
25. Bacon grease coined the phrase, “That’s wack.”

The Day No One Noticed: HMNIG Gets 1000th Hit

Yes, the site that loves to hate has reached 1000 hits. And no, I did not sit here all day going to the site over and over until I personally got the 1000th hit (it was only an hour or so). Here are some comments that Gorgeous has recieved since its inception back in...March? February? Who cares...

"Hysterical." - Me

"The best." - Wick

"Better than a ham sandwich." - Freeman McNeil

"Yeah it was a travesty! Wait, what was the question?" - Dude on the street

"Not much for writing, but they look good in those pants!" - Your mom

"Are those unique hits?" - Brian

"I wish I actually contributed to that literary and social masterpiece." - Jay

"Dude, fuckin' do more Birdman!" - Bob

"Seriously? A blog? You're a nerd." Jamie

"Blog about it!!!!!" - Gorski

"Sandra sur une chaise sous la douche..." - This blog

A special thanks to the seven people who read our stuff, and an extra special thanks to the people who check in on it multiple times during the day, thus bumping up our number of hits to slightly more than this shit. And don't forget, our very first post had the disclaimer that we'll write shit whenever we damn well feel like it.

So keep your lousy mouths shut.

For pooping, silly

The family Gorgeous was in town for the weekend so we went to see Cincinnati, minus Ken Griffey, Jr. and YOUR Washington Nationals square off on Saturday night, since pops is a native of southwest Ohio. I only went because I really like the color red.

Our night of ups and downs started shortly after the Metro doors closed at Waterfront station. It was then that a fellow passenger unleashed a gas so foul on our sardine can of a car that the paint on the walls didn't just peel, it ran for cover. One youngster near ground zero described it a cross between "fried chicken and feet." The air quality in Beijing would have been welcome respite from ass-fog in which we were stuck.

Things got worse before they got better, unfortch. I stood in line for half an hour so my dad could enjoy the spiritually radical experience that is the Ben's half-smoke "all the way." It would not have been so terrible had I simply had to endure employee incompetence and malaise. While that did contribute to the first 15 minutes of wait, it was the abandonment of register sans explanation that really boiled my potatoes. The cashier simply stopped what she was doing, grabbed a satchel full of cash and left for the adjacent stand. I should mention said satchel was sitting on a soda machine, well within arms reach of anyone that had a heist on the mind. None of the other cashiers acknowledged the situation, outside of glances at the ever-growing line. No effort was made by other customers to institute an alternating style line merge. I stood in front of the register for a few minutes out of principle, hoping to make a statement with my non-violent protest. Trust that while I was Gandhi on the outside, my brain was awash with visions of Watts. After signaling my frustration with loud, passive-aggressive sigh, I broke the line, resigned to idea of a Nationals Park that will never get it right.

It wasn't all piss and vinegar. The Nats rallied for eight runs in the last three innings against the woefully ineffective Reds' bullpen, Daniel Stern's cinematic masterpiece, Rookie of the Year, was shown on the scoreboard after the game, and I discovered, while looking through the viewfinder on my sister's camera, that by crossing my legs just so, I can make them look like a heinie. Doesn't it always come back to butts?