Open Letter Wednesday

It's Wednesday again and you know what that means. Yes, more mind-numbing hours of American Idol, but also another open letter. This weeks recipient, that fickle mistress, Mother Nature.

Mother Nature
8 Omnipresent Circle
Land-of-Whimsy, The Ether 10009

Dear Mom,

I don’t mean to be disrespectful, really I don’t, but you’re being a bitch. I don’t know why you and Father Time are fighting, but you have to figure something out for the sake of your children. If you had doubts about the marriage, you should have divorced a long time ago. Rarely does having another kid, let alone another billion, help the relationship.

The bickering has to stop. It’s April for crying out loud and I don’t know whether I’ll need a parka or UV protection on a day to day basis. I get it, you’re both stubborn and you don’t want to give in to him, but you need to pick your battles. The two of you need to decide a schedule and stick to it. It isn’t his fault he is tasked with overseeing a man-made creation, just as it isn’t yours that you are responsible for the weather on this crazy rock. The least you can do is compromise.

I’m confident we can reach a settlement that both parties are happy with considering no pre-nup was signed. Papa Time basically gives you all winter to go nuts as is, and March and April already have their own bonkers weather related –isms. All we, your spawn, are asking is for some consistency; we can handle the April showers, so long as they are of the rain, not snow, variety. And would more 65 degree days in April be too much to ask? It is spring after all. I won’t speak for all of us, but I’d be willing to allow more intense summer storms and would turn the other cheek to an occasional October cold spell, so long as you continue with an Indian summer day here and there.

You and dad got yourselves into this mess (with help from a quart of Mad Dog 20/20 and Springsteen’s sold out Asbury Park show in ’78) and it is up to you to come up with a resolution. We’re your kids, and we support you, but know that drawing this out isn’t doing us any favors. When most parents fight, they throw dishes; you’re dropping Connecticut-sized swaths of ice into the ocean. It’s excessive and a little scary. Make things right for the kids, always FTK.

Temperately confused,

Brunswick P. Danforth