Open Letter Wednesday

It is with both joy and sadness that I announce a new feature here at Gorgeous; Open Letter Wednesday. The sadness stems from a recent decision that robs Penn State of a gastronomic legend, the chicken Cosmo. Normally, booze, drugs or a delicious cocktail of both are to blame for the loss of college memories. In this case Pierce Chicken Products is said thief:

April 2, 2008

Pierce Chicken Products
c/o Pilgrim's Pride Foodservice
244 Perimeter Center Parkway, NE
Atlanta, GA 30346

To Whom It May Concern:

How does it feel to be personally responsible for the demise of a 26 year-old tradition? I’m speaking, of course, about the inevitable death of the chicken Cosmo at Penn State this Friday. That deliciously crunchy, shaped and formed patty shaped and formed many a student’s life in their four (or more) years on campus.

The Cosmo appeared on campus way back in 1982 at a time when Joe Paterno still wasn’t eligible for Social Security. Since then the Cosmo has endeared itself to students and alumni alike, and that ain’t just whistlin’ Dixie, considering the Penn State Alumni Association is the largest in the world. I was lucky enough to live in West Halls as a freshman and the Cosmo was on the lunch and dinner menus every day. In fact, since I usually didn’t wake up until the last hour of lunch, it was more or less my main source of nutrition for two semesters. Elsewhere it was a rare treat, so much so that those jonesing for a fix would make the trek to the Burrowes and Curtin confluence for some natural-looking (your words, PCP) goodness.

I left the dorms after freshman year, but I still had friends that lived there, fortch. Oh how I looked forward to tagging along for a Cosmo with a slice of tomato and ranch dressing on those atypical days when ventured to campus for an extended period. But this isn’t just about me. I had roommates that would schedule classes around the Waring Commons dining hours, friends that would attend a different section of their class and those that would skip altogether just for the flavorful, pre-browned all breast meat cutlet (your words again).

Let me get to the crux of this letter though, as this is more than just me waxing reminiscent. I want to know why you are putting an end to the Cosmo, and with it the happiness and memories of hundreds of thousands of people. You say it is because Penn State is the only institution still buying the patties. This may be true, but let’s break down the numbers. According to Penn State Food Service 274,000 Cosmos are sold each academic year, roughly 650 cases a month. Let’s assume these cases sell for $4.00 each (this is purely an estimate); we’re talking more than $31,000 in Cosmo sales alone and I can’t imagine the cost to produce them is any more than $1.00 a case. That’s a pretty hefty profit margin. I’d be a little more sympathetic if these were your bread and butter, but you are the largest chicken producer in the United States, the second-largest in Mexico and count Kentucky Fried Chicken and Wendy’s as two of your main clients. According to your website, Pierce Chicken invented the first fully-cooked fried chicken and launched the wing category. Methinks you aren’t hurting to turn a buck.

In closing, I ask that you reconsider what appears to be a rash decision based on dollars but not sense. You pledge to give the kind of respect one expects in a partner, but to me you’re more like a lover that got us hooked on smack, only to leave because you don’t like our drug habit. For that, you should be ashamed. I believe I won’t be alone in expressing my discontent and I hope my loyal Cosmo comrades can show you the error of your ways. If not, then good day to you. I said good day!

Buttermilk battered,

Brunswick P. Danforth