Wednesday, April 23, 2008

A Retort

Well, Mr. Danforth, allow me to retort.

(clears throat)
(adjusts package)

1. Coors Light. Get to know their audience. We’re talking NASCAR-watching, Skoal-chewing, wife-beating, shotgun-racking, pickup-loving, Mossy Oak Breakup-wearing, trailer-living Americans. Do they go to bars in the middle of the day? Do they order more than one beer for themselves? Do they have a bunch of friends with similar work ethics? Do they need to be told when their beer is cold? The answer to all these question is a qualified ‘yes.’

2. Taco Bell. Bacon DOES trump all. Beauty is in the sizzle.

3. Tropicana Pure Valencia. I’ve caught you jerking off to The Food Network. And I’m talking about the close-ups of seared tuna steak, not Giada De Laurentiis. So don’t tell me that hot, sweating fruit doesn’t put a banana in your pants, buddy. And I don’t know about you, but I wanna fuck that juice.

(adjusts package)

4. I actually agree with you on this one. Dammit.

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