Open Letter Wednesday

This week's recipient, Sean Penn, who recently pulled off an incredible feat...

Sean Penn
c/o ID Public Relations
8409 Santa Monica Blvd.
West Hollywood, CA 90069

Dear Mr. Penn,

I’ve had some time to digest the recent developments in your personal life, and I am still baffled. You were filing for divorce, had a girlfriend, and then called off the divorce. I suppose I shouldn’t be surprised by this considering the dichotomy that exists in your day-to-day; you are a respected actor and filmmaker, yet at the same time you are a self-aware, pretentious, douchey blowhard. That said I have to applaud your divorce/reconciliation for two reasons.

First, you managed to stay with Robin for 17 years, the past 12 in holy matrimony. That is no easy feat in Hollywood. Kudos, sir. But no sooner had word of your impending divorce become public and you were stepping out with HMNIG’s Most Perfect Possessor of a Pair of X Chromosomes, Petra Nemcova. Kudos again. Fast forward a month or so and the divorce is off, so what gives? To be honest, I’m not all that fascinated by Pearl Jam being the driving force in Robin and you rekindling. No, I’m fascinated, and downright flabbergasted, by how you made this all happen in the first place. To summarize, a decision was made to divorce, you tossed a few fucks into HMNIGMPPPXC, and then convinced the missus to give love another go. Whaa whaa whaaat? Who are you Sean Penn, and what magical power do you wield?

Secondly, and on a more serious note, you helped further the cause of same-sex marriage. Stick with me here as I explain. The religious right and everyone else that opposes gay marriage have some ‘splaining to do. One can’t cry about sullying the sanctity of marriage when things like this happen. It doesn’t work that way. These folks love to show up to protest civil unions or anything resembling dude on dude or lady on lady marriage, yet I’ve never heard about protests happening at divorce proceedings. Where’s the outrage there? As long as the divorce rate (45-50% for first marriages, 60-67% for second, and a whopping 70-73% for third*) is higher than the rate of those that stay together, sanctity of marriage cannot and will not be accepted as a viable argument against gay marriage. Sure you can show me in the Bible (a book that can’t possibly be taken literally at every turn) where it disapproves of gay anything, yet can you show me a passage that allows for adultery? And on the subject of adultery, that shit is in the Commandments. Moses talked to God Himself to get that scoop. Last I checked not one of the 10 said anything about same-sex marriage.

You should really write a book or at least an essay on the topic. You’ve given hope to a wide range of folks, from those suffering from Restless Penis Syndrome, guys looking for extra-marital coitus without consequence, and all the Jim’s that want to marry John’s and Joan’s that want to marry Jane’s. You are an inspiration to many Mr. Penn, and despite my own disdain for you as a person, I tip my hat to you.

Learning about Cuba, and having some food,

Brunswick P. Danforth

*statistics from Americans for Divorce Reform