Why You Suck

If only I had the rest of my life to write this. I think I'll make this a new Thursday feature, unless I'm hungover and think it's Thursday but it's actually Tuesday. Lot of similar letters there, easy mistake to make. Just yesterday I thought it was Thursday. That's not even CLOSE to the word "Wednesday." But then, Tuesday was a washout, what with post-St. Pat's armageddon raging in my skull. As was Wednesday. Which, for two hours, was Thursday. After that it was Angryday, otherwise known as when Thursday reverted back to Wednesday. But I digress.

Back to not liking you. This time, it's because you think celebrities are "OMG, soooooo beautiful and awesome and [eyes widening, speech becoming rapid] and talented and interesting and [head exploding]. Because, in reality, no.

Seriously. No.

Recently my breaking point for the amount of this shit I can take was today when, from three different news sources, I heard/read about 1) Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony's twins, 2) Halle Barry's kid, and 3) Brad and Angelina's (OMG, BEST couple EVER!) upcoming twins.

The happy couple

Isn't it enough that every time Britny Spears has an off-colored shit we have to know about? Now we have to know everything about every celebrity's fuck trophies? Dammit.

Why do you care? Really, why? Email me, write me, call me (not really), something, anything. Is there something I'm just not getting? Why do you care what these people's kids look like and what they're doing. There's a 94.7% chance you're kids will be ugly, anyway. And possibly retarded. No need to raise your expectations.

Don't laugh, he's yours

So put down your can of PBR and your Us Magazine, turn off Entertainment Weekly, call Cletus and Marlene in from the landfill and spend some time with your own demon spawn. Stop worrying about people that shouldn't matter to you's kids.